Dearest douche bags

And so we got our report card today. For a normal kid this day would have extremely important. But not for a mental kid like me. I couldn’t care less. I’m pretty cool as long as I pass. But the problem is that my nonchalance is not received well by the school.

My mom went there, took my report card, listened to all the things that the teachers had to say about me and quietly came back.

But I sincerely have something to say to these assholes today.

Dearest douche bags,

Thank you for promoting me. I cannot, for the infinite centuries yet to arrive, payback your debt. I understand how much of an effort it must have taken to let me walk to the next level, how your hands must have shivered before signing that report card, how you must have thought about the school’s reputation before letting me sit in 12th C, and so on. You’d rather have me kicked out from your paradise but unfortunately the fact that I’ve always paid my fees snatches away your right to do so legally.

We have been very cordially informed that if my attendance isn’t up to the mark this year, then I won’t be allowed to sit for my boards. There is absolutely nothing that we can do about it, and even going to the court of law will not help. Again, my gracious thanks to you for informing us in legal terms. I guess my face exudes certain court-friendly expressions. We’re being extremely mature in taking this unnecessary bit of information in our stride, no other normal person would even consider this vital. But we’re not normal, a fact that I’ve already established in the beginning of this article. We’re mental. Retarded.

Lastly, I understand that academic achievement (or the lack thereof) is pretty much the one and only reason for our existence (or the lack thereof), and therefore, I promise to work as hard I can, in order to push our school further up in the rank list. So that you can take pride in being one of the top 10 schools of Delhi, even if it means killing thousands of irrecoverable brain cells.

I love you, teachers. You all are the most mature, sensitive, intelligent and simply wonderful human beings that I’ve met. Your never ending taunts, complaints, venting sessions, insults and daunting accusations have made me a much better person. Thankyou.

A lame student,

Fuck you.